Posted 2 years ago

Gang Of Four: Mall - Oh dear. I need to listen to Entertainment! and Solid Gold like a cold shower after listening to this. But to have made an album as incredible and important as Entertainment!, these guys could collaborate would Justin Bieber and they’d still be my heroes… please don’t collaborate with Bieber. Well I would love to own a mall or plaza because I’ve got some ideas for stores:

  • I’ll need a TGI Friday’s so I can put a bar right next to it called Fuck, It’s Monday. I have actually talked to a manager of a TGI Friday’s about this and he says he’s in.
  • Our staff gets revenge on people who prevent other from scoring. It’s called Cockblockbuster. With all these Blockbusters closing down, I just need to take one over and I’ll already have 73% of my sign.
  • I really want this one. A bike shop called Bike-Curious.
  • A place that sells t-shirts and clothes with obscure or outdated references called Off Topic.
  • I’m gonna see If I can get this past the foreseeable copyright laws but a doughnut/sex shop called Kink-O’s.
  • A bong/stationary/copy shop called The Loose Leaf.
  • A sub shop that only plays bands like Pink Floyd, The Flaming Lips and Dungen called Psychedelicatessan.

Winner: the literal

Posted 2 years ago

Girls In Hawaii: Plan Your Escape - I have nothing I need to plan my escape from. And fire escape diagrams you see around apartment buildings and schools really bother me. The majority of the time they’re just arrows pointing to the nearest exit. Pretty lame plan isn’t it? Escape plans should include the likes of decoys (prostitutes work great), grappling hooks, night vision goggles, tranquilizers, chloroform, poison, underground or secret passageways, preparation for melee battles, and arrangements for getaway vehicles. We must be prepared for it all. Those fire escape diagrams you see everywhere need a lot of work. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

Sonic Youth: Daydream Nation - Now is not the time for the nation to be daydreaming. Now is the time for action. Plus, the album is an undeniable masterpiece and likely to forever hold a place in my top ten albums of all time. The perfect blend of abrasion, badassery, insanity and lush beauty. Like Charlize Theron grinding an axe after a murder spree. I wouldn’t argue with anyone who says ‘Cross The Breeze is the best song ever to be created by man. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

Piano Magic: Low Birth Weight - Birthdays are a weird thing to celebrate. Hey remember that one time your mom was in the worst pain of her life and suddenly hated your dad while you were naked and crying and confused and covered in blood and gunk and pulled away from your home without your consent and without anyone considering your feelings and ripped away from your reality and everything you thought you knew about life, suddenly in this new cold and confusing world? Let’s celebrate that! Because I suppose if it wasn’t for that one horrible, horrible day you wouldn’t be here. So see you at the Olive Garden. Enjoy your Blockbuster gift card. Anyway, no one wants a low birth weight. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

Condo Fucks: Fuckbook - Making love is about passion. That’s something no book could ever teach you. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

School Of Seven Bells: Alpinisms - Alpinism is defined as the act of mountain climbing… especially in the Alps. Well, I feel dumb for having to look that up. My lack of desire to climb the Alps leads me to invent a new word that I’m surprised doesn’t exist yet, but is based on pre-existing words. Frigophallophobia - the fear of freezing your balls off. Also the whole height thing mmmm but that is the secondary fear. Just as heights is my secondary fear when it comes to skydiving and my primary fear is having some strange man strapped to and on top of me. Which would be called something like… claustroandrophobia. I’ll stick with the album. Factoid: The School of Seven Bells was this mythical South American pickpocket training academy. How badass is that? Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

Beck: Mellow Gold - Gold that has the ability to get high? Gotta be worth something. Winner: the literal

People always think I’m on drugs and when I tell them I’m not they don’t believe me. It’s sad to me that we’re living in a time when it’s easier to accept that someone’s on drugs than to believe they’re just a naturally weird guy, which I swear is what I am. Life is already so weird and confusing and fascinating, I don’t need drugs to make things any worse. Damon Albarn put it best:

In the sixties, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

I’m not judging drug users, though. Whatever people want to do with their lives is their choice. I have less tolerance for people who try to push their beliefs and behaviors on other people. The main thing I can’t tolerate… is intolerance! And I will say this: Friends can be assholes when they drink. I prefer pothead friends for always being laid-back and peaceful. They have better music too, usually.

Posted 2 years ago

My Bloody Valentine: Loveless - Of course no one wants to be loveless. But the album is one of my favorites, a masterpiece, the one album I would want to have on a desert island besides an album of detailed instructions of how to survive and eventually get off a desert island. Loveless is the most beautiful album I’ve heard. If it was a girl I’d propose marriage to her immediately and she’d be like “Do I know you” so I guess she forgot about that one time I stood behind her in a water fountain line and she’d get a restraining order against me so but then I’d get just get facial reconstructive surgery, train myself to speak in a different voice and then see my connection Habib downtown so he can give me all the proper papers and forms for my new identity just for another chance to talk to her or at least be able to stalk her again and look through her garbage. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

Lightning Bolt: Hypermagic Mountain - The album is a lovely, batshit insane semicircular canal assault but who could resist having some sort of coked up, caffeinated mountain with wizard powers? Winner: the literal

Posted 2 years ago

…And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead: So Divided - A weak album but I suppose listening to it would be better than dying a horrible, horrible death. To be divided could mean a couple of different things, like being undecided, but of course my mind jumped to the most gruesome thing it could mean. I wonder if my therapist is still on vacation. Better fly to Cancun and meet up with her. She won’t mind, I’m sure. Plus since she’s technically on vacation I don’t think she has the right to charge me. When I broke into her apartment to search for the information on where she was staying I swear, her underwear drawer was nothing more than a random, arbitrary starting point. I even took the liberty to sniff them all to make sure she didn’t mess any that belonged in the hamper and tried them all on so that I could re-organize them in the order from most to least comfortable. What can I say, I’m a nice guy. Winner: the music


Posted 2 years ago

The Antlers: Burst Apart - If I could die any way I wanted to I would want to spontaneously combust in an elevator crowded by sweet, old ladies who always say phrases like “Oh dear” or “Oh merciful heavens.” But if it’s between choosing that or this lovely album the choice is clear. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

Pylon: Gyrate - Shaky ground here because of a lack of specifications. I can’t be certain who will be doing the gyrating. It could be the homeless guy who works at McDonald’s for all I know. But even if I lucked out and the gyrator ended up being a fine lass, how long do the gyrations last? If it was over to quickly I’d feel ripped off but it doesn’t matter because no matter what I’d get tired of it all eventually. And maybe it won’t be a person I’m watching at all but a gyroscope. Or maybe it means someone is actually going to make me gyrate, like they’ll stick me in that hamster ball-esque thing you see at all the fairs. I’m not comfortable with this at all. Better just stick to best, dirtiest rock from Athens, Georgia. Winner: the music

Posted 2 years ago

The Morning Benders: Big Echo - The first thing I thought of that would create a big echo. Probably not worth dying for. Unless you’re Homer Simpson then you just end up in the hospital and you’ll even be able to talk. That gorge jump may be the horrific thing the Simpsons have ever done yet somehow also hilarious. Anyway, I’ll stick with this dreamy album. Winner: the music


Posted 2 years ago

Nirvana: In Utero - We used to always go to this restaurant/karaoke bar called Philippine’s Best. I wasn’t planning on singing at all but I just thumbed through the catalogue and saw Rape Me by Nirvana. What was this doing in a public restaurant with families and kids? Someone must take advantage of this. That someone was me. When it got to the end I yelled RAPE ME RAPE ME seventeen times at the top of my lungs. Everyone was either laughing or terrified. My parents were having a good time. We made it a tradition to visit this karaoke place at least once a month and every time it was RAPE ME RAPE ME. There was such an odd contrast because anyone else who was willing to sing was twenty years older than me and they would do nice songs by the likes of Frank Sinatra or The Beatles. Then it would be my turn again and I’d be doing Radiohead or Green Day songs, as well as more Nirvana. It turns out I got a little famous for this because once I was in the grocery store and this dude came up to me and just started yelling Rape Me Rape Me and I was like Who the hell are you, someone call the cops. Turned out he worked at the restaurant. Sadly, one day after about a year we came by and saw the restaurant had closed. I imagined newspaper headlines like “PSYCHO TEENAGER’S ANGSTY RENDITIONS DRIVES AWAY BUSINESS. So Good memories. But life is rough, I could use the break and could do with crawling back into a womb. Winner: the literal

Posted 2 years ago

Snow Patrol: A Hundred Million Suns - You wanna give me a hundred million suns? Well thanks, but one would’ve been good enough. No, I like it, it’s just you’re trying too hard to impress me, just be yourself. Anyway, I don’t want to embarrass you by rejecting your gift and making you return it… did you keep your receipt? Oh nevermind, lemme see them. No no I really like them, honestly. This is just too special for me. This is all happening too fast. I mean we barely know each other. You’re coming on a little too strong if you don’t mind me saying. Look, don’t… okay okay. I normally don’t do this but… why don’t we lie down on this bed and loosen these clothes so you can relax a bit? *ring ring* Hello? Sorry, I have to take this. It’s no one. Don’t worry about who it is. Hello? No, give me a sec here. Where are you going? Come on, get back here. I said I liked the hundred million suns, I like them. See? See? Hello? I said hold on! Hey, it’s no one! Fine, get out! I never want to see you again! Winner: the literal